Small towns are a tough place to grow up, everyone knows everything about your life. As with everything, there are always faults in the system. In the small town, it's gossip, the false, untrue gossip. Looking back now, I'm sure in my own way I was no different than them. Even now, I'm probably no better than them, but I hope to one day make sure that the child who sits alone or is bullied knows somebody cares.
I grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere, USA. I didn't really know there was a world outside my large family until I started Kindergarten. I remember walking into the class and wondering who all these people were. I knew one little girl, because at the time, her parents and my parents were very good friends. Other than that one friend, I felt very alone. That same feeling really continued all through my school years. Little did I know, on that first day of school, I would always be the target of my classmates harrassment and torture.
Growing up, I was always pretty insecure with myself since it seemed so hard to make friends and about as fast as I did, they moved on to bigger and better things. Friends who had big birthday parties and gave them lots of gifts, friends who lived in town and they could just hang out in town after school. It wasn't until I was in 5th grade that I finally realized why I always felt so left out; I was considered the outsider. People were making fun of me behind my back and I didn't even know it.
I remember in 5th grade all the girls talking about someone they called "Hanes Her Way". I used to laugh at all the jokes they made about her, even though I had no idea who she was. They made fun of how she looked, how she dressed, her family, they were so mean to her. I didn't figure out for about 3 months, that they were really talking about me. They had ended up with that nickname because my underwear had been sticking out a bit during class one day and so they were even making fun of that. That moment is when I realized I was never going to fit in and I was being targeted. When confronted, they apologized and begged me not to tell my parents. I wish now, I had. Maybe if I had stood up for myself back then, things could have been better for me; then again, knowing how bullies work these days, it probably would have only made the situation worse.
The taunting never did end though after that, instead of doing it with secret names, they just began to ignore me, snicker and point and just be all out mean. I had a crush on a classmate named "John" (named changed for personal reasons), and these girls found out. They ran right up to him and told him and I remember him looking at my, giving my the middle finger and screaming "That's gross!". I was so humiliated and hurt I went home and asked to transfer schools. I didn't want to go to this school anymore. The kids were cruel and mean and seemed to have nothing better to do that bully me.
As mild as Elementary seemed, it started to get worse in Middle School; not so much from the boys, but the girls started getting nasty. I had developed a little faster than most of the girls in my class, so I was the brunt of endless dirty looks. It was then, when I developed eating disorders.
When people go through puberty, your body goes through so many changes that it can't handle the hormone change sometimes. I was in no way , shape or form heaving, being a size 7, but compared the the girls who hadn't had their growth spurt, I was big. I was 5'5", 125 lbs and a size 7. Compared the other girls, who hadn't even hit 5' yet, I was big. I stopped eating, joined sports, and started being concerned with how I looked. It didn't help any, but there was no rule saying I couldn't try.
